CHAPTER ONE

There is a saying that a fool is born every minute. While most people would find this attribution offensive, I take great delight in it. It’s a sentiment that I’m sure many of us can relate to. There was a time in my younger years when I would have thought the title demeaning. However, the older I get, the more I appreciate it. If you have never had the grand experience of being labeled as a fool, stupid, or an idiot, I highly recommend it. There is nothing like a good put-down to provide a solid foundation of humility. Although unpleasant, humility is crucial to living with ourselves and others, and embracing it can foster respect and understanding in our interactions.

“You’re an IDIOT!”

Truer words were never left unsaid. They didn’t need to be spoken. Somehow, I knew them by heart and was never short of repeating them in my mind. I never heard my mom or dad tell me I was an idiot. Dad would talk about other people that way, but I don’t remember him saying that to me. Yet, all these years, those are the words in my mind about me and, if I’m honest, about you and others, too. This internal dialogue, shaped by my father’s words and my own self-criticism, has been a constant companion throughout my life.

The other day, I was driving down the road when a high-end black SUV pulled up right behind me. Then it whipped around, cut in front of me, and continued to weave in and out of traffic. I didn’t slam on the horn or make any gestures. I’m kind of past that at my age, and it takes more energy than I’d like to expend. I just shook my head and, in a calm voice, said, “You’re a stupid idiot.”

The truth is, we’ve all been in a hurry and made similar mistakes. Pointing fingers is easy, but we’re often just pointing at ourselves. That’s the funny thing about perspective. We can justify our own actions, but when someone else does the same, they’re just an idiot, right? It’s a universal experience, isn’t it? Recognizing our own biases and mistakes encourages humility and self-awareness, which are essential for meaningful communication.

The world is full of people who have determined that they know better than everyone else and are qualified to tell you what you should think and how to live your life. I’m no exception; neither are you if you look deep enough. Sometimes, I have the opportunity to meet people who seem demure, quiet, and humble. Yet, as we get to know each other, it becomes evident that they have very concrete ideas about life, themselves, me, what is right and wrong in the world and society, and what everyone else should be doing and thinking. It makes sense. Even though none of us is the center of the world, we are, by default, the center of OUR world. How can we be anything different when we are more or less trapped within our own perspective?

The issue’s core is that each of us is, in a way, trapped within our consciousness. Our brain records what happens to and around us. It filters it through our personality and experience to make sense of it. There are some things that we may all agree on. It’s raining outside. A dog is barking. I have a headache. We may agree on things we can validate, such as math and language. But when it comes to opinion, emotion, and thought, that’s a different matter. Sometimes, the best we can do is to agree, disagree, and work together. Cultivating empathy helps us understand others’ perspectives and reduces conflicts rooted in misunderstanding.

My wife and I hosted a 4th of July lunch a while back. A couple of our guests began conversing about math, the laws of physics, and life. When you think about it, it makes sense. Our good friend Marius and my brother Keith have excellent brains for higher-end mathematics, and they hit it off. Keith would typically not even show up at our gathering. Still, I asked him to help move a refrigerator, so he was tricked into it. After the move, he turned toward the door to leave, but Marius began asking him questions, and the conversation somehow degenerated into math and how it shapes society and life.

The main idea they discussed was that communication is only possible with fundamental laws. Even language and thought are determined by rules and laws. For instance, a sheet of music can be written by someone in a different country, with a different language, time, and ideology, yet be played centuries later without concern. We only need to understand the rules of music, where a C is a C is a C. But as you know, it doesn’t end there. Music goes far beyond the technical and touches our deepest thoughts and emotions.

Their conversation made me think about the devolution of society. We may argue about whether we like a particular song or whether it is good or bad, but that is a matter of preference. However, what if we determine that because we don’t like a particular song, there is something wrong with the rules of how music is written? We can then extend this analogy to societal norms and basic morality. For example, we might say Let’s change the structure of society entirely. If anyone disagrees, we will block them and call for their destruction. After all, if we are going to make real change, we need to eliminate anyone who disagrees with us, don’t we? That is where society is today.

When we hide behind our protective walls and shoot at everyone outside our opinion, we demonstrate that we are no more than fools. Undoubtedly, it is difficult to lay down our defenses, step outside our fortress, and be vulnerable. It requires Wisdom, courage, and empathy. Courage is necessary because we risk being shot down, and it requires the ability to exercise empathetic sensitivity. Empathy means we set aside our prejudicial ideas and actively listen to someone else without thinking about our response. Above all, there is the need for Wisdom, which is missing in today’s society. In society today, there is a vocal minority on all sides. If you disagree with them, they believe you need to be destroyed. It requires Wisdom to know when to engage, when to stand for what you believe, and when just to let it go.

Going back to the structure of music, I don’t need to read music to sing; I only need to give voice to my emotions. When a mother or father sings to their small child, they don’t care about the song’s structure or what it looks like on paper or a screen. It is an expression of understanding, love, and comfort for both. It is an open, shared experience with no malice. Reasoning and a reasonable structure in our brains and bodies make music possible. There is something built within us that understands love yet learns to hate. Something deep within yearns for acceptance but retreats into loneliness.

That’s only my thought about it. This may not be true because remembering that I, too, am that fool, thinking myself wiser than I am, or why else would I even attempt to write this? Here are some other thoughts about people whom we might judge as fools:

Fools do not desire to learn; instead, they give their opinions. Only a fool rejects Wisdom and sound advice. Fools always think they know what is best. It’s stupid and embarrassing to answer before you listen.

There are three overriding factors in effective communication on both sides, and the fourth concept is helpful overall:

• Love

• Humility

• Grace

• Wisdom

Love overcomes a multitude of sins, which, in this day, we may refer to as ‘shortcomings.’ The words “Love” and “Shortcomings” require some explanation. A fool is interested in only themselves, not others. In this case, love refers to the person who has to put up with a fool. It takes patience, kindness, and self-control to tolerate a fool. Just ask my wife or daughter.

In some cases, boundaries are necessary, and some amount of control is required. Allowing a fool to blather on and damage relationships does no good. Ask me how I know this.

“Shortcoming” is a new word for what folks used to call “Sin.” When hearing the word Sin, most people put it in a religious context, slam the door, and try to throw away the key. The problem is that the key is securely fastened around each person’s ankle and tends to show itself at the most inopportune times. The door doesn’t have a lock anyway, and the dungeon where we lock away things we don’t like is in our mind; it is internal, not external. Those awful little rats scurry right out of that dark, dank dungeon and quickly find their way into our everyday lives for everyone to see. It’s rather embarrassing, to say the least, and all kinds of reasonings and excuses blow into the air as we try to shove them back down into the cellar.

You have probably heard people say something like this to cover up a foible or personality quirk:

“Oh my goodness, where did that come from? Why did I say or do that?”

As an aside, the use of the word ‘goodness’ is funny, because there is probably nothing good in what just happened that they are trying to cover up. It certainly is not related to any personal virtuosity. Something slips out of the dungeon, and like the emperor with no clothes, we find ourselves embarrassed and ashamed, with an overwhelming need to cover it up.

That is how we explain away our shortcomings or Sin. By default, we blame it on someone else, some circumstance, anything but ourselves.

“The devil made me do it. If it weren’t for _______________ (fill in the blank with someone’s name or a circumstance), this would not have happened; therefore, it isn’t my fault. In fact, I think it’s your fault.”

A quick read of Genesis 3 and 4 provides a good picture. If we took responsibility and dealt with it, it wouldn’t be an issue, or at least not as much of an issue. Owning the truth doesn’t magically eliminate all our problems; it may create more. But it can help us navigate the future.

Some people reading this would like more details, but it is a matter of individual understanding. Therefore, I invite you to explore the dark labyrinth of your mind. You will find the most amazing and entertaining stories of your own making there.

I kind of hate to jump down into this rabbit hole, but I think I will anyway. In talking about the things in our minds that we would never share with anyone else, have you ever heard of those famous people who author some of the most awful yet entertaining books? I name no names here. These are books detailing horror, sex, rape, murder, and the most disgusting, shocking depths of human depravity. The authors make a lot of money from this. Remember that these are fictional stories, and I am emphasizing the word ‘fiction’; it is make-believe, not real. Ordinary folks like you and me would line up to meet these famous authors and get a copy of their book signed. They are on the best-seller list. Yet, we don’t seem to think about where all that dark fiction and sewage ideas come from. I’ll leave it at that.

Humility is one of the best defenses against becoming a fool oneself. Yet, humility is very elusive and rarely seen or acknowledged. It is a funny concept. Not funny, “Ha, ha,” but funny as in odd. While a fool is concerned mainly about their own self and letting everyone know how wonderful and wise they are, humility covers foolishness like a wet blanket smothers a fire. A person may be known for being humble, but the moment they acknowledge it, they are not. A person who says, “Oh, I’m not humble at all,” probably is not.

On the other hand, the person who states, “I’m known for my humility,” or “I’m a very humble person,” is not. Humility works against us both ways. Any focus on it vaporizes into a mist, poisoning the person within its acidic cloud.

Would you like to appear humble and wise to other people around you? Learn the art of listening without running your mouth incessantly or trying to think of an answer to the conversation. You will be surprised at the level of difficulty. Silence takes much practice because we love to talk about whatever is on our minds, not what others may think. Being completely quiet and staring at someone is unnecessary; they may think you are a fool. Be engaging by listening and processing what they communicate without judging their motives. The judging can come later, out of earshot. :-)

Here are some sample responses:

“Mm hmmm… Really? I see… Hmmm, that’s interesting… Tell me more… What makes you think that?”

You get the idea. No matter how much you dislike what is communicated or how it may offend you, smile, nod, ask a question, or excuse yourself. Be wise. People will begin to see you in a different light, bringing us to the practice of grace.

Grace is the simple yet beautiful bow on the gift wrapping of humility and Wisdom. It’s a fragrant flower in the moonlight, the gentle breeze on a lake, the majesty of mountains in the distance. The princess enters the room with her entourage. But as impressive as the trappings are, it is the princess that everyone wants to see. It is the bride entering as everyone stands in respect of her wedding. For it truly is HER wedding, not his, that we celebrate. At that moment, we recognize her grace and beauty. She may not have been a person of grace, nor ever will again, but for that moment, she is.

Grace extends kindness in the face of transgression, restraint in a rebel’s presence, and indulgence with a fool — not too much indulgence, but enough to be recognized as grace. In all her regality, the Queen smiles, nods, and proceeds to her destination without repercussion. The fool may be dealt with later, but not necessarily by her.

Grace found me when I began to recognize that I was the one in need of her. Dare I call it the beginning of humility, as I realized my failure to love or listen to anyone outside my own perspective? We are all in love with ourselves in one way or another. The story of Adam and Eve leads us to conclude that what they lost for us was the ability to see each other the way they are and God the way He is. Instead, we are relegated to thinking only about ourselves and fear the one who crafted us into the most majestic, crowning creation of all.

Wisdom: Earlier in the chapter, I addressed the concept of Wisdom. There are always various ways to handle any situation or person. Some individuals prefer to create chaos, almost as if they take pleasure in the destruction or lack awareness of the consequences, as there is rarely any benefit from such actions. It is essential to understand situational awareness and use it to your advantage. Sometimes, it’s better to listen than speak, which reminds me of an old Chinese proverb:

“It is better to keep one’s mouth shut and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.”

There are occasions when we need to be blunt and times when we should smile and walk away. It depends on having a keen sense of people and situations, how best to respond, and when to speak or listen. Something I learned a while back has been helpful, so I’m sharing it here.

When conversing with someone, I may have an opportunity to share my opinion or offer advice. However, I usually do not give unsolicited advice unless the relationship can weather it. People enjoy talking but not listening very much, and they rarely appreciate your point of view and, even less, your advice. Besides, I can pretty much guarantee they won’t put anything you provide into practice.

Having said that, if I am in a position to provide some feedback, I state my case and then listen to their response. About 1% of the time, a rare person will consider what I am saying or even ask a question or two to further the conversation. However, most of the time, they either listen or interrupt and then double down on their own opinion or go back to repeating what they previously said because you obviously didn’t understand them the first time. In these cases, I will only make two attempts to converse before I stop and return to listening mode. They aren’t ready to hear a different perspective, and you are wasting time trying to convince them of anything else.

Many years ago, my friend Paul was going through an unwanted divorce. As a close friend, we would meet, and he would blow off steam about the problems. Unfortunately, the issues revolved around his wife and her failures, not his. During a rare pause, I would ask him about his responsibility for the relationship’s demise. He would give an example or two of what he could have done differently or even might do to make things better, then go right back to repeating a 10-minute treatise on his wife’s issues. He couldn’t comprehend what I was saying or get past his hurt to see his issues.

Lest I only point fingers, I’ve done the same thing. When I was suffering through my own unwanted divorce, I was having a pity-poor-me rant with my pastor in his office. He let me go on about how my wife said this or did that, then held up his hand to get my attention. Fortunately, I paused long enough to hear what he had to say, and I’ve never forgotten it.

“Mark, I hear what you are saying and know how difficult and painful it is for you. If you’re willing, I want you to try something for me. Go home today and express love and kindness to your wife. No matter what she does or says, you take the high road and do not take retribution in any way. It probably won’t change the outcome of divorce, but in the end, you will not have as many regrets.”

That was the wisest thing anyone ever said to me, and I still remember it word for word. At that time, I did my best. Whether it was a factor in our future relationship or not, I don’t know. But today I am remarried to that same girl. While we go through tough times, we have found a way to love each other deeply and push the reset button no matter what. Having an EASY button would be nice, but that’s not reality. We have found it better to forgive and move on than to hold on to grudges and be alone, full of regrets. Through the worst, we are learning to love, give grace, be wise, and hopefully, find the elusive humility in ourselves.